Pyle of List

Whoo doggie! Now they games mean something. Well, maybe not the wild card games, but the divisional round has some interesting match-ups, right? Who are any of us kidding. We all know the Giants are going all the way. I’ll explain why later (don’t worry, it’s one of the made up ones). Since there are fewer games, I can’t promise a full Top 10 Things That Happened, but here are the Top X Things That Happened in a wild wild card weekend in the NFL!

10. Seahawks Win - All I kept hearing was how “hot” the Redskins were coming into the playoffs, and how teams better watch out for them. Please. They beat Chicago, New York, Minnesota, and Dallas on their “streak”. You know what happened the week before? They lost to Buffalo. You can’t lose to Buffalo and be taken seriously. I knew Seattle would roll, and if I didn’t fear a slippery slope into gambling addiction, I totally would have put money on the game.

9. Holmgren Walks On Grave, Doesn’t Care - In order to the edge the Washington Redskins were receiving by playing for their fallen teammate, Shawn Taylor, Holmgren went to an extreme. He set up his hand held camera (a Christmas gift from two years ago from Mr. Brett Favre) and video taped himself walking, jumping, and even dancing on the grave of Shawn Taylor. After a quick upload to YouTube (username: 12thmaneater), he screened it for his players. He took the stunned silence to mean they were pumped up. No word on how big Holmgren’s condo in hell is going to be.

8. Steelers Lose - Some call it irony. Some call it retribution. But others, like myself, call the fact that Steelers fans are complaining about the refs just another punch line in the joke that is people from Pittsburgh. Remember that Super Bowl you won where the refs were infallible? Yeah, guess what, same refs. You just got outplayed by a team in teal. TEAL!

7. Peter King Still A Racist - Somehow, this guy can’t believe that this guy won the Offensive Rookie of the Year (number 13). I wonder why…

6. Giants Beat Bucs - Seriously, who took the Bucs seriously? Not me. All year they beat up on a weak division and mediocre teams. So no one should be surprised that the team with the overall better record (the Giants) who played in a division that sent three teams to the playoffs beat a team that was stupid enough to drop this as their logo. Idiots. Even with the equivalent of Lenny from “Of Mice and Men” behind center, the Giants are better team top to bottom than Tampa Bay. (Seriously, you know that if there were some rabbits around that Eli would totally lose focus and just want to pet them all day long)

5. Eli Finds Stone Of Destiny - This is what I was referring to at the top. On a recent family hunting trip (you know, the ones where Archie and Jughead (Peyton) make Eli dress like a deer and run around scaring the other dears out into the open to be shot) Eli stumbled upon and ancient and powerful artifact. The Stone of Destiny is said to bring it’s holder the most wonderous luck imaginable, and propel to the greatest of heights in his/her field. That’s why the Giants are winning it all, because they can’t lose as long as Eli has The Stone. Now, if someone (Belichick) offers Eli something he can’t resist (magic beans) in exchange for The Stone, then all bets are off.

4. Washington Loses Game, Wins War - Joe Gibbs has left the Washington Redskins. Aw. Boo hoo. I’m sure the ‘Skins are very sad that they no longer have a coach who remembers what president McKinley was like, and thinks the game hasn’t been the same since they invented the forward pass.

3. Cam Cameron Not Surprised - In a press conference, freshly fired Dolphins head coach Cam Cameron expressed how he had anticipated this move. “I mean, cmon, I only won one freakin’ game,” Cameron started off the interview by saying, “and let’s not forget who drafted Ted Ginn Jr. 9th overall. Wow, what was I thinking. Eh, no matter, I had my time in the spotlight. I’ll have to console myself with another cushy coordinator job and spending all the Dolphins’ money.”

2. Chargers Make My Dreams Come True - My uncle called me the other day to talk about the Chargers. Turns out he doesn’t like them (even though they’re our local team by default) and listed a bunch of reasons why. I didn’t argue at all with him (they were all good points) but I did trump him with this one line: “yeah, but at least they beat Vince Young”. God, nothing makes me happier than seeing this joke of a QB get thrown on his ass. Goodbye Vince Young! Goodbye Titans! There’s always next year, when you can inexplicably make it to the playoffs again despite having offense to speak of whatsoever.

1. We Don’t Link Enough - If you love hilariously out of date athletes, go here and enjoy an exhibition of all their jerseys.

Wow, I made it through all 10. Good for me!