Pyle of List

Sunday was a wonderful day. I had no errands to run, no place to go all day, and my girlfriend (lovely as she is) wasn’t around. So what did I do with all my free time? Have some boys over to get drunk and watch football! Unfortunately, drinking from 10am to 5pm (I’ll be damned if I’m watching some Giants game, even drunk) doesn’t lend itself to remembering what happened. So put on your beer goggles, and let’s take a look at The Top 10 Things That Happened in week 15. (Remember, five are real, and five are made up)

10. Pats Make It Look Hard, Stay Unbeaten - Seriously guys, if you’re going to win all your games, at least make them blowouts so I can go watch the other game that’s on TV. I mean, by letting a lowly team like the Jets stay with you the whole way, you kept me glued to the game only to end up giving me no payout. I would make a comparison to you guys being like that girl at the company Christmas party who acts all slutty but when you finally get her into the coat room she won’t even make with the handy. Prude.

9. Snow Prompts Hockey Game - With the blizzard that hit Cleveland covering every inch of the Browns’ field this Sunday, both teams decided it would be better if they settled this game with skates and sticks, rather than balls and pads (which is actually the name of gender bending thrash metal band I’m trying to put together). Cleveland took the game following a hat trick by kicker/forward Phil Dawson and an own goal score from Sabres goalie/punter Brian Moorman.

8. Quick Fantasy Update - I’m actually still alive in one league, and even made it through the first round of the playoffs. However, now I’ve got a bit of a dilemma: I’m in one half of the semis, but my girlfriend is in the other half and I’m not sure whether I should even bother winning this game. If I win this week, and make it to the finals, I just know it will be against her, and I will lose (thanks karma!). Then I’ve got no comeback as she brags all year about being better than me at something she knows nothing about (her team name is “Sunshine Puppy Bear Team” to give you a clue). So yeah, I think I’m rooting for the loss this week.

7. Palmer Sites Poor Motivation - When asked why his team lost to the terrible San Francisco 49ers, Bengals QB Carson Palmer was very frank and up front: “Why should I go out there and play hard? We’re already eliminated from playoff contention, we can’t spoiler to the Niners cuz [sic] they’re in worse shape than we are, and this game is on the NFL Network so hot babes aren’t even watching at home. If you’re not gonna provide hot babes, then Carson isn’t gonna provide the throws!” No one in the media could argue with that logic.

6. Miami Pulls Off Upset, Wins Game - Finally, the Miami Dolphins have something to celebrate. Sure, they’re still the worst team in the league, and a shoe-in for the first pick in the draft (which Cam Cameron will use on a back up Punter), but at least they won a game! I thought for sure when Baltimore drove down to the 1 and tied it as time expired that the Dolphins were toast. Then Baltimore won the toss and I thought, ‘yep, here it comes!’ Then they drove down for a chip shot field goal to win it and Stover unexplicably misses it. I guess magic was in the air as three plays later Cleo “No You Won’t Get A” Lemon threw a pass to some dude I’ve never heard of for the game winning TD. Good for them. Maybe next year all the guys will be able to put on their pads all by themselves! (Not gonna happen as long as Joey Porter is on their roster)

5. Brett Favre Named God, Gives ‘Aw Shucks’ Speech - After being named God by the Universe’s Living Tribunal, Favre sat down to with the media to talk about his accomplishment: “I’m honored and humbled by this. But I’ve said it all along: I’ve never considered my self to be in the same league as God. What a great deity, maybe the greatest deity ever. The way he did it was the way you’d coach another guy to do it. Not like I did it.” Good old boys all across the country swooned.

4. Tampa Bay End Drought - When I saw the highlight and heard that the Tampa Bay Bucs had never had a kick return in franchise history (thirty some-odd years) it blew my mind. I was just thinking about how kick returns seem to be experiencing a sort of renaissance this year, and then they drop this bomb on me. I’m sorry, maybe I don’t understand the complexities of running back kick offs, but to me you just need 1 fast guy, 3 or 4 decent blockers, then mix and serve for a delicious treat. You’re telling me in thirty years that the Bucs couldn’t find someone fast enough, or blockers good enough to even luck into a kickoff TD? That’s pathetic. I mean, not Miami Dolphins pathetic, but bad nonetheless.

3. Manning Plays Game Left Handed - At fist I couldn’t explain how the Oakland Raiders had hung with the Indianapolis Colts, even going as far as leading in the 4th quarter. Then a friend told me that Peyton Manning played the whole game throwing the ball with his natural throwing arm (his right) tied behind his back. My response: “Still shouldn’t have been that close”.

2. Playoff Picture - Just about everything is locked up these days, but there are still a few spots up for grabs over the final two weeks. Let’s look how things stand now:

NFC: 1) Dallas Cowboys (clinched division) 2) Green Bay Packers (clinched division) 3) Seattle Seahawks (clinched division) 4) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (clinched division) 5) New York Giants 6) Minnesota Vikings

AFC: 1) New England Patriots (clinched division, home field advantage) 2) Indianapolis Colts (clinched division) 3) San Diego Chargers (clinched Division) 4) Pittsburgh Steelers 5) Jacksonville Jaguars 6) Cleveland Browns

1. We Don’t Link Enough - Nah, he’s totally innocent. (from Withleather)