Pyle of List

We’ve reached a point where we know far too much about high school athletes. Sleazy old men get paid to follow them around and watch their every move. They’re scrutinized more than any amateur athlete should be and even appear regularly on national TV.

With that said, we’ve decided to do some recruiting research of our own. However, instead of 5-star blue chips prospects, we’ve unearthed the worst high school athletes ever displayed on film. College recruiters beware! Avoid these kids like the plague.

Dwight Ingalls (Brad Pitt), Cutting Class
Physical Stats: 5’11”, 155lbs
Position: PG
Strengths: conditioning, matinee idol looks, general sexiness
Weaknesses: temper, all skills related to basketball

While he’s a tad undersized and lacks the speed to make up for his physical disadvantages, he would increase attendance among young female fans. Looks have gotten the Kyle Corver’s of the world this far, so why not Pitt? Well, the inability to dribble, play defense or shoot effectively make him a liability at both ends of the floor and his violent outbursts hurt team chemistry. He also may have some “issues” after nearly being hacked to death in metal shop by his serial killer former best friend.

Stef Djordjevic (Tom Cruise), All the Right Moves
Physical Stats: Somewhere between knee-high to a grasshopper and 5’7”, 150lbs
Position: CB
Strengths: working class Polish toughness, tackling
Weaknesses: man-to-man coverage, coachability, over-sized shoulder pads

A corner that plays the run tough, but looks like a plodding lineman when asked to cover a receiver in the open field. Not to mention the fact that he’s a “loose cannon” that “plays by his own rules” and has issues with authority figures. One might go as far to call him a Maverick.

Tami Maida (Helen Hunt), Quarterback Princess
Physical Stats: 5’8”, no weight estimation (we’re not stupid)
Position: QB
Strengths: football smarts, composure
Weaknesses: package deal with stuntwoman, awkward locker room presence

A Flutie-esque presence in the pocket, the real problem comes with figuring out how to run a 2 QB offense where Maida takes the snap then hands to the stuntwoman to throw or when the stuntwoman takes her place whilst getting tackled. Despite a few shortcomings, Gary Barnett is very, very interested.

Billy Bob (Ron Lester), Varsity Blues
Physical Stats: 5′11″, a million lbs.
Position: LT
Strengths: Takes two days to run around, loyal like a golden retriever
Weakness: heart failure, concussion prone, dumb as a brick

Whether it’s The Dawson or Paul Walker behind him, Billy Bob isn’t letting anyone touch his QB…or his baby back ribs. Prone to dying on the field and getting the star QB hurt, Billy Bob is just trying to get a scholarship to a good college through football, because the ‘ol noggin sure isn’t going to get it done for him. Billy Bob is a great friend and tons of fun at a house party, but once he’s on that field, it’s all business. And his business is blocking! Assuming of course the other team doesn’t have bacon in their pockets, then you’re fucked.

Stifler (Sean William Scott), American Pie
Physical Stats: 5′11″, 185 lbs.
Position: There are positions in Lacrosse?!
Strengths: good physique, throws wicked team parties, gets girls for teammates, too dumb to know he might get hurt
Weakness: too dumb to know he might get hurt, likes to drink semen, no soul

The owner of the original “MILF”, Stifler was the type of athlete that drives a coach nuts. Tons of potential and natural ability, but none of the drive to follow through on it. Stifler would rather bang a couple of unsuspecting freshman than lead his team to State. Don’t get me wrong, The Stif-meister has his moments of clarity through his hops and barley riddled brain, but they are to few and far between for him to amount to anything other than a washed up high school ‘used to be’.

Chubby (Mark Holton), Teen Wolf
Physical Stats: 5’9”, 280 lbs
Position: PF/C
Strengths: space-eater (literally), setting screens, improves team chemistry
Weaknesses: rebounding, conditioning

While his passion for the game of basketball could never be doubted, the only things he added to the team were vicious picks and comic relief (Hey, it’s Enrico Palazzo). Perhaps he would’ve been better suited for the gridiron, as his jump shot is possibly the worst ever captured on film. He would’ve made a great bookend for Billy Bob at West Canaan High.

Someone you think should be on the list? Leave suggestions in the comments below.