Pyle of List

Ah, nothing like an old white football writer talking about the NBA. I’m sure him and his friends have hilariously racist names for the league, and no, I’m not talking about the National Booger-Eaters Association (although that is quite the burn). Here is a statement from Peter’s weekly Monday Morning QB article over at SI.com -

“Sure am glad to see the NBA is back. I can name three Celtics, two Lakers, one Heatsman and zero Timberwolves, zero 76ers (wait: they have someone named Iguana, or something like that), zero Hawks, zero Clippers and zero uninjured Trailblazers. I guess you’ll want to take away my sports writer’s license. Now, I do like watching Steve Nash and Jason Kidd and LeBron James; I will admit that. Kidd and Nash are two of the most effervescent and fun athletes alive. Fun to watch, fun to root for.”

My Fire Joe Morgan style dissection after the jump.

Sure am glad to see the NBA is back.

Me too, Peter. So is most of the sports loving world, as it’s just another thing to distract us from the harsh realities of the real world.

I can name three Celtics

I assumed he meant Paul Pierce, Ray Allen, and Kevin Garnett. But then I thought about it, and decided he’s probably talking about Larry Bird, Kevin McHale, and Robert Parrish (whom Peter thinks is very “well spoken”)

two Lakers

Kobe is the given, but I really wonder who the other one is in Peter’s mind. Derek Fisher? Lamar Odom? Andrew Bynum? Actually, it’s probably Luke Walton. Because he’s white.

one Heatsman

This is the most baffling one to me, because the Heat have two mega stars on their roster. If he’s talking about Shaq, that means he has never heard of Dwayne Wade, who almost single handedly won an NBA title two years ago. The same Dwayne Wade that has numerous commercials on TV, including the T-Mobile spots with Sir Charles Barkley. If he does know who Wade is, then he has never heard of Shaq, the biggest star the league has seen since Jordan. Either way, Mr. King would probably never let his daughters date either of them.

and zero Timberwolves

I’m a fair man, and I’ll give him this one. The T-Wolves do not have a superstar now that Garnett has left town. However, they do have a dearth of young talent, which just shows that Peter King hasn’t watched an NBA draft in the past three years. There’s a joke there about Peter sitting down with a bowl of popcorn and watching young black men get picked by rich white men based on their physical prowess, but I just can’t find it right now.

zero 76ers (wait: they have someone named Iguana, or something like that)

Holy. Crap.

zero Hawks

Josh Childress, Josh Smith, Joe Johnson, Al Horford (who just won back to back national titles need I remind you) are the ones I can name off the top of my head.

zero Clippers

Elton Brand? Sam Cassell? You know what, I’ll chalk that knowledge up to the fact that I live in Los Angeles, and give Peter a pass on this one. I’m just making sure he doesn’t rip me later with a “some guy named ‘Lamp post’ or something” retort.

and zero uninjured Trailblazers

You mean the reigning rookie of the year, Brandon Roy? Or another young talent in LaMarcus Aldridge? Actually, I should probably stand up and applaud that he has heard of Greg Oden.

I guess you’ll want to take away my sports writer’s license

Yep, that’s pretty much where I’m going with this. Or at least stick to the sport you are an expert in. But how can you write for the biggest sports magazine ever and not follow the big three (baseball, basketball, football) closely? Can’t you share it with someone, anyone who has any knowledge of the NBA so you don’t sound like an old white bigot when you talk about it? I mean, come one! “Iguana”?!

Now, I do like watching Steve Nash

White guy.

and Jason Kidd

Looks like a white guy.

and LeBron James; I will admit that

You will admit what? It’s like he’s making some large concession here. Thanks for spilling the beans about your deep dark secret about actually liking some basketball players. Way to stand up for…I don’t know what. (and yes, I fully see the humor in calling it Peter King’s “deep dark” secret)

Kidd and Nash are two of the most effervescent and fun athletes alive

So two white guys (well, one white guy and one light skinned guy who I’m sure Peter thinks is white) are two of the most fun athletes alive. More fun than Kobe, Lebron, Wade, AI, Gilbert Arenas, Tracy McGrady, Carmelo Anthony, and Dwight Howard. I’m starting to see some sort of pattern forming. And really, the “effervescent” was a little too much. Way to use that SAT word a day calendar, Mr. King.

Fun to watch, fun to root for

Agreed, but I think all NBA games and players are fun to watch. And I’m still trying to figure out what ‘fun to root for’ means. I’m guessing that Peter likes Kidd and Nash and doesn’t have any guilt pangs for liking someone that doesn’t look like him and his immediate family members. Other things Peter King thinks are ‘fun to root for’:

The South
Phil Mickelson
Dog The Bounty Hunter
Seinfeld reruns
‘Merica!