Pyle of List

It’s hard for someone like me, who considers himself nothing more than a comedy blogger, to write a bunch of NFL jokes in the wake of a tragedy like the death of Sean Taylor. So let me preface all my ‘Eli Manning is a gay retard’ jokes by saying that my thoughts and prayers are with the Taylor family, and anyone else hurt by his killing. But I most go on with the jokes. I figure that’s what Sean would have wanted.

The Top 10 Things That Happened in NFL Week 12!

10. Eagles Break My Heart - I don’t even like the Eagles, and I was screaming at my TV this past Sunday night for them to win. I’ve never been so passionate about a game in my life. I wanted them to beat the Patriots so bad that it hurt. And they came very, very close. But, unfortunately, I think this is only going to make the Patriots stronger, and prove to them that they need to continue working hard. I was kind of banking on them getting comfortable and relaxing a bit, and that’s how they would lose.

9. Eli Still Can’t Beat Peyton - Their whole lives, Eli and Peyton Manning have been pitted against each other. Whether it was on the field of play, or merely battling for their parents love, these two brothers have always been at war with each other. And Eli never wins. To further prove this point were the words a dejected Elisha Manning after his 4 Int day against the Minnesota Vikings. “You know, I saw what Pey-Pey [his childhood nickname for his brother] did the other week against the Chargers,” Manning said, referring to Peyton’s 6 Int performance in week 10, “and I thought I could beat him. I went out there and threw Int’s the best I know how, and it still wasn’t good enough. I’m disappoint in my inability to throw to the other team, my teammates are embarrassed that I keep throwing it to them, and not the other guys, and I just know the media is going to rip me for not being able to throw more that 4 picks.” When a reporter tried to make Eli feel better by saying that 3 of his picks were returned for TDs, Eli just made this face and left the podium.

8.  Thanksgiving Blowouts - No, I’m not talking about Uncle Bob and Aunt Margaret screaming at each other about how their marriage has fallen apart. I’m talking about all three Thursday night games being lopsided victories. Green Bay, Dallas, and Indy all handled their business and won the games they were supposed to win. The best thing to come out of this day (besides left over pumpkin pie) is the Green Bay at Dallas match-up for this week. Never before have two 10-1 teams faced off. It should make for some fun watching.

7. Feely Family ‘Shocked’ - Mary Anne Feeley had to sit down for minute at the start of the Eagles/Patriots game on Sunday night as her son ran onto the field to start a professional football game in a long time. Apparently the entire Feely family, along with the majority of the nation, couldn’t believe AJ was still in the NFL. “I’d just assumed he’d retired, or been cut by now,” Nana Feely was heard saying, “I mean, he’s not really very good…”

6. You Get What You Pay For - I’m sure the St. Louis Rams were very upset over their narrow loss to the Seattle Seahawks this past week. With 4th and goal from the 1 yard line, and only a few precious seconds on the clock, the Rams looked like they might punch it in and steal another win from Seattle. Then Sage Rosenthals dropped the QB-Center exchange. Whoops-a-daysie indeed. But how upset can you be? I mean, they should just be happy that Uncle Sage didn’t let the stadium burn down while Daddy Bulger was away on a business trip. And the Rams weren’t the only team to trot out a QB who probably couldn’t start at USC. Don’t forget that guys like Trent Dilfer, Kyle Boller, Brodie Coyle, Duante Culpepper, and AJ Feeley all started under center this week. You know it’s bad when Joe Joe Harrington doesn’t even look like that bad of an option at this point.

5. Pittsburgh Blinks First - It is rumored in NFL circles that the Miami Dolphins are now purposefully losing games in order to be in the record books as the only franchise to go 16-0 AND 0-16, thereby sticking it the Patriots. On a leaked memo from Commissioner Roger Goodell, opposing teams are asked to tank the remaining games against the Dolphins even more to prevent this nefarious plan from coming to pass. Look no further than Monday night’s showdown between the Dolphins and the Steelers as to who would not score. Eventually, rookie coach Mike Timlin lost the game of chicken, swerved, and kicked the field goal with 17 seconds left to secure the victory. After the game, fellow rookie coach Cam Cameron twisted his handlebar mustache between his fingers and laughed maniacally.

4. Thank You, Vince Young - The Tennessee Titans, thought to be serious playoff contenders, were blown out by my Cincinnati Bengals. Since we’re not going to make the playoffs, the least we can do is play spoiler to others. Although the only teams left on the Bengals’ schedule that have playoff hopes are Pittsburgh and Cleveland, it’s still nice to know that my boys can rain on their parade a little bit. And just in case you were wonder how the reigning offensive rookie of the year did in his game: 19 for 31, 246 yards, 0 TD, 1 INT, 6 yards rushing, and 1 fumble lost.

3. Romo Sets Eyes on Bush Twins - Cowboys QB Tony Romo has been banging his way through a bunch of famous blondes. First, it was Carrie Underwood. Then, he was spotted spending some time with Britney “Trainwreck” Spears. Now, he spent Thanksgiving day stuffing Jessica Simpson’s turkey. Know what I mean?! It’s a metaphor for sex…just, nevermind…but word out of the Romo camp is that he’s not done, and has set his sights on the top of the mountain, President Bush’s hard partying daughters. Hope he can hold onto them better than he did that snap in the playoffs last year, huh? Huh?! Shut up…

2. Playoff Picture -Here is how the standings would look as of today:

NFC: 1a. Dallas Cowboys 1b. Green Bay Packers 3. Seattle Seahawks 4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 5. New York Giants 6. Detroit Lions

AFC: 1. New England Patriots 2. Indianapolis Colts 3. Pittsburgh Steelers 4. San Diego Chargers 5. Jacksonville Jaguars 6. Cleveland Browns

Sports Illustrated, get those Browns ‘Super Bowl Champions’ packages ready!

1. We Don’t Link Enough - So here is a link to one of the funniest things I’ve read in a while.