Pyle of List

Every week I think about how much money I could make if I just went to Vegas and bet on football games. How hard can it be, right?

This is just another fact in a long list I’ve entitled “Why I’m Retarded”. But enough about me, let’s take a look at The Top 10 Things That Happened in NFL week 11!

10. Patriots Stay Perfect, Assholes - I loved that people spent all week pretending that the Bills were gonna put up a fight and give the Pats a run for their money. Right. The Patriots scored 36 points by half time. And they couldn’t be any happier about it. Go back and watch Tom Brady’s press conference after the game and watch him have to choke back the laughter when it comes time to running up the score. Basically the Patriots are saying “eff you!” to everyone. I mean, why should they kick it when they know, for a fact, that they can score a TD on the next play. And with Pittsburgh getting upset by the Jets this weekend, it looks as if no one can derail this train (be assured that the train is transporting tons and tons of Summer’s Eve).

9. Falcons Miss Bus - In another stunning display of ineptitude, the Atlanta Falcons missed the team bus to their game on Sunday. It was a home game. The Falcons showed up right as the 3rd quarter came to a close, and played out the rest of the game against the Bucs. Falcons coach Bobby Petrino said after the game, “It’s really unfortunate, but if you look at the part of the game where we actually played [the 4th quarter] then you’ll see we scored just as many points as they did. So I’d really call it a tie…” The NFL, and people with brains everywhere, called it a loss.

8. Eureka! - I’ve finally figured out the Tennessee Titans formula! I used to be blown away that they could win games with Vince Young throwing more passes to the other team than into his own end zone, but after watching last nights game, it makes sense: they NEED Young to play bad! Watching their franchise’s future play like a royal turd must fire every other person on the team up to the point where they play like actual football players. Unfortunately, when VY has his bi-annual good passing game (like last night) there is no fire under their asses. Very clever, Jeff Fischer, very clever.

7. Merriman Busted Again - After being busted for steroid use last season, you would think that San Diego Chargers LB Shawn Merriman would try his best to keep his nose clean. Well, think again! After watching him get punished on a block by 5′7″ RB Maurice Jones-Drew, the NFL thought something seemed a bit fishy. So The Commish (Roger Goodell) went down to Merriman’s locker and found something quite disturbing: pill bottles, prescribed to Merriman, filled with estrogen pills. The commissioner’s office later released this statement: “Although the pills found in Mr. Merriman’s locker are not on any of the NFL’s banned substance lists, we wanted to report our finding so we could all mock him endlessly about being a giant, gaping vagina.”

6 . Phil Dawson is Probably Pretty Good At Pinball - Dawson’s kick at the end of regulation might be the craziest play of the year. First the ball bounced off the upright, then off the little pole that holds the crossbar up, then back in front of the goal post. One ref called it no good, then they had a pow wow (since field goals are not reviewable) and overturned the original call to the correct version. This is the first documented time since the merger that something had gone right for the Cleveland Browns.

5. Rams Go Streaking - Following their second win in a row (and second win overall this season) the St Louis Rams dropped their pants and went streaking through the streets of San Francisco. While coach Scott Linehan was glad to see his players so enthusiastic about winning, he was disappointed to hear that WR Drew Bennett had disappeared around Hait & Ashbury.

4. WWPJD? - With their Savior, Adrian Peterson, out with and injury, the Minnesota Vikings needed a miracle on the magnitude of walking on water. Enter Chester Taylor. Or maybe it should be, enter Oakland Raiders defense. Chester Taylor reminded people that his also pretty good at tackle football by torching the Raiders porous D for 200 all purpose yards and 3 TDs.

3. History Repeating - Once again, the white man has taken the land of the red man. Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder revealed to the media on Monday that he and Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones had made a side bet concerning their teams going head to head this past week, and since his team had lost, Jones would now be granted ownership of half of DC. Jones has said that Snyder and the ‘Skins would be alloted some of the ceded land to build casinos and fireworks stands on. No word on whether or not “firewater” or blankets covered in smallpox were involved in the original bet.

2. Current Playoff Picture - This is a new feature that I’m going to include on here about how the playoffs would look if the season ended today (listed by overall conference rank)-

NFC: 1a. Dallas Cowboys 1b. Green Bay Packers 3. Seattle Seahawks 4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 5. New York Giants 6. Detroit Lions

AFC: 1. New England Patriots 2. Indianapolis Colts 3. Pittsburgh Steelers 4. San Diego Chargers 5. Jacksonville Jaguars 6. (tie) Tennessee Titans and Cleveland Brown

That’s right, conceivable both the Lions and the Browns could make the playoffs. The whole world has officially gone topsy-turvey.

1. Lewis Threatens Moss - After asked about their impending Monday night showdown with the unbeaten Patriots, Ravens LB Ray Lewis did not mince words. When asked about WR Randy Moss, Lewis says, “If that m*therf*cker thinks he’s gonna get four TDs against us, he’s got another thing coming to him! And by ‘another thing’ I mean a knife, and by ‘to him’ I mean in his abdomen. Say word!”