Pyle of List

My first week going 3-0 in Fantasy Football. Feels good! I’m now sitting in third, third, and dead last in my three leagues. Guess which one has money involved. Exactly. But enough about me, let’s take a look at the bigger picture with The Top 10 Things That Happened in the NFL’s Week 6.

10. The Eye Of the Storm - The New Orleans Saints marched into Qwest field 0-4, a supposedly difficult place to play for visiting teams, and marched out with their first win of the season. Drew Brees played like Drew Brees from 2006, Reggie Bush had his best rushing day of the season, and the defense actually stopped somebody. Apparently they just needed a few extra weeks to get warmed up and then a bye to get this season on track. Let’s hope they can keep it up, or else every football analyst everywhere will be fired for picking them to go the the Super Bowl.

9 . AARP Busted For Bribery - The seemingly ageless Vinny Testaverde started for the Carolina Panthers this Sunday, and it raised more than just eyebrows. The NFL quickly sent their team of auditors into the Panthers headquarters to make sure there was no fail play involved, and lo and behold, the AARP (American Association of Retired Persons) had made some hefty “donations” to the Panthers throughout the week. The league commented that this is not the first time the AARP has used it’s heavy bankroll to get an aging player in a game, citing Morten Anderson still having a job when he can’t make a field goal over 30 yards.

8. Rams Still Terrible - See title.

7. Dolphins Admit Trying For Record - In a strange move, Miami Dolphin’s head coach Cam Cameron openly admitted and discussed his teams attempt at setting a record. “We’ve already got the only team to go undefeated, and we think it would be nice to have the other record as well” said Cameron, clearly alluding to the very unprestigeous 0-16 mark. Cameron later cited a concerted effort by the ownership and the coaching staff to construct a team with no real option at QB, an aging defense, and a group of coaches who wouldn’t know a good play from their ass.

6. Purple Jesus Reigns Supreme - Adrian Peterson, you know, the good one that plays in Minnesota, ran all over the Chicago Bears on Sunday as if he were Bo Jackson and this was just a game of Tecmo Bowl between friends (although for my money I liked Super Tecmo Bowl for the SNES better. My team? The Cowboys with Emmitt Smith, Troy Aikman, Michael Irvin, and slew of other overrated players, I couldn’t be stopped). Peterson scored touchdowns of 67, 73, and 35 yards in the greatest rookie outburst of my lifetime. Adrian’s 361 all purpose yards (224 rushing, 9 receiving, 128 kick return) went along way to prove he should continue to challenge Chester Taylor for the starting job. Oh come on, who are we kidding? This kid is the only thing going anywhere on the Vikes. He should just start taking the hikes, handing or throwing the ball to himself, and then kicking the extra point after he scores. He’s probably better on defense than half the roster to boot.

5 . Manning Found To Be Normal - After his team’s fourth win in a row, New York Giants head coach Tom Coughlin took the podium in front of the media and read an emotional prepared statement. “I didn’t want to talk about it until all the test results were back in, and the last one came across my desk just last night. The news has brought our entire organization closer together, and will hopefully make us all stronger in the long run,” Coughlin spoke, fighting back tears, “apparently, Eli Manning is not retarded. Who knew?!”

4. Gruesome Twosome - After Sunday’s “Greatest Game Ever Played” (courtesy of ESPN) there remain only two unbeaten teams in the NFL; the New England Assholes, and the Indianapolis Colts. Go ahead and mark your calenders for Week 9 when these two teams go head to head and The Four Letter Network Of Doom creates such a d*ck-suck-fest that it will be unbearable. “World Series? Sucks to that, Peyton Manning and Tom Brady on the same field!” - Stu Scott before creaming his pants, farting, and passing out on the Sportscenter set.

3. Browns Win, No One Cares - After throwing his third touchdown of the day to WR Braylon Edwards, Derek Anderson looked around and noted there was not a single person in the stadium. He then took all his clothes off and played the rest of the game in the nude. Not surprisingly, he was never touched by a defender the rest of the game.

2. Vince Young Loses - Ha! I knew you couldn’t get up forever. Look at that line, 11-for-14, 120 yards, 1 INT, 6 yards rushing and a lost fumble. Now this are normal Vince Young number, just without everyone else bailing his ass out. Young left after he was injured on a scramble, and was relieved by Kerry Collins who ACTUALLY HAD BETTER NUMBERS! If you are getting outplayed by Kerry freakin’ Collins, maybe we should all stop kissing this guy’s ass so much. I repeat: Outplayed. By. Kerry. Collins.

1. Marvin Lewis Blames Dog - After constantly sh*tting the bed, Bengals head coach released a press release blaming in on his old labrador, Rufus. “Poor Rufus has been having problems with his bowls for a few years now. There is nothing I, or anyone else can do to stop it. It’s not his fault, but it certainly wasn’t me. I mean, what kind of grown man still poops in his bed? It’s absurd!” When told that ’sh*tting the bed’ was just a metaphor used for how he has handled the Bengals season, Lewis looked embarrassed and left the room. Presumably to poop himself.