Pyle of List

 The Top 10 Things That Happened in NFL Week 5!

10. Another Close Call - Just when it looked like the Bills were going to exact revenge for those Superbowls the Cowboys cost them in the ’90s, victory was once again snatched away from them like a child playing with it’s father’s gun. The Cowboys turned the ball over all night long, the Bills scored three non-offensive TDs (2 Int returns and a kick return), and TO is held to 2 catches (they better get him the ball right quick or they’re going to have a problem on their hands) and somehow Dallas is able to pull it out. Is this game a dent in the silver and blue armor? No, if anything it just proves what I’ve always said: The Buffalo Bills are not good at football.

9. Seattle Says “Eff it!” - When the Seattle Seahawks saw Pittsburgh sitting on their schedule in week 5, they knew there would be much hype surrounding the game. A rematch of their still controversial Superbowl loss (don’t think it’s controversial? Just ask anyone from the greater Northwest and watch them blame it on the refs till their blue in the face) was sure to generate much interest, and just as many bad memories. But Seattle found a way to block that all out: they just decided not to show up. That’s right, Seattle didn’t even get on a plane and go to Pittsburgh, they just stayed home and took the loss. Coach Mike Holmgren, when asked about it said: “Eff those guys. Eff that city, eff that team, and of course, eff the refs. We’re taking an extra week off. ” He then took a bite of this Six Dollar Jalepeno burger from Carl’s Jr. Pittsburgh won the game 21-0.

8. Guess Who’s Back, Back Again - The Chargers returned to the form everyone expected them to be in with a 41-3 drubbing of the Broncos. And MVP LT2 wasn’t even the leader of the pack. QB Phillip Rivers finally took off his sweet wrap around Oakleys and decided to play a little football. Of course, it doesn’t hurt that Denver’s unbelievable corner tandem of Champ Bailey and Dre Bly both fell to injuries, but it’s nice to see Rivers step up against the depleted secondary. The Chargers win, couple with the Chiefs losing, forces a three-way tie in the muddled AFC West. And guess who’s left standing at the top: the Oakland freakin’ Raiders. I know. I totally just blew your mind.

7. Carr Wins Game, Loses Keys - After David Carr led the Panthers to a last second victory against the Saints, David Carr entered the press room and dropped this bomb: “Has anyone seen my keys? I totally can’t find them.” The gathered reporters then spent the next 10 minutes scouring the floor and checking under every object in the room until Carr finally located them himself. They were in his pocket the whole time. “Whoops-a-dasie!”

6. Rule of Three - Only three unbeaten teams remain after the Pack fell to the Bears this past week. And next week there can only be two, as the Patriots and Cowboys face off in what I’m sure will be the most over hyped game since the “Manning Bowl” last year. People are saying the Pats are unbeatable, but I beg to differ. Look at who they’ve played this year: Jets, Chargers, Bills, Bengals, Browns. Those teams are a combined 7-14, and not one of them is playing .500 ball. Yes, the Jets and Chargers were playoff teams last year, but this year they look like Caddyshack II, not the original classic. Meanwhile, the Colts’ opponents (NO, Ten, Hou, Den, TB) are a combined 11-12, including and 0-4 Saints club, and Dallas has faced opponents (NYG, Mia, Chi, StL, Buf) who weigh in at 8-17. So shouldn’t everyone be talking about Indy being the most impressive team? I’m sure Tony Dungy and Peyton are fine with flying under the radar on their quest for a repeat.

5. Buccaneers Lose Game, Steal Gold - Mass chaos broke out in the Indianapolis locker room after their 33-14 victory over the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. All the players were looking around with wild eyes as coach Tony Dungy was in a rage over his missing gold dabloons. “Where is my f*cking treasure!” could be heard echoing repeatedly from the mouth of the normally subdued coach. Apparently the Bucs had swashbuckled their way into Indy’s storage facility and pilfered their treasure supply. Also missing were some jewel encrusted crowns, pearl necklaces, and a few golden goblets. It might explain why in Jeff Garcia’s post game press conference all he did was wink at the cameras and say, “yar”.

4. Favre Ties Yet Another Record - Although this one won’t make John Madden have to change his Spiderman underoos. With two second half interceptions, Favre tied George Blanda for the most career interceptions. Favre, always the gunslinger, tied the record on a hail Mary into the end zone in a last ditch effort to send the game against the Bears to overtime. Hey, this may be a record that Favre will hold that won’t be broken by Peyton Manning. The same can’t be said for Rex Grossman.

3. Vince Young Can’t Lose - A Nashville court found Vince Young not guilty this past week. Young had been hauled into court after he punched an 80 year-old woman in the face, in bright day light, in front of two cops, with a security camera catching all of it. Even after the victim and both cops testified against him, the jury still wasn’t sold. So they played the tape in court. Still no decision. Then Young got on the stand himself and said, “Yes, I punched that old broad in the jaw. She shouldn’t of got in #10’s way.” Amazingly enough, the jury still found him not guilty. “I’m not sure why, it just felt like he shouldn’t lose this case” one jury member told Pyle of List under the condition of anominity. No word on how impressed OJ was.

2. The Old Man Parade - With Trent Dilfer and Kurt Warner already holding starting spots for their respective teams, others are taking notice of players who many thought were past their prime. Priest Holmes says he’s “90% healthy” and many teams have contacted Vinny Testaverde to give them depth at the QB position. Holmes, who has been out of the game for two seasons, is trying to work his way into a platoon with struggling star running back Larry Johnson.

1. Leinart Out For Season - Women of the country are still weeping after learning that Matt Leinart will not be coming to town. After fracturing his collar bone in, of all things, a football game, the Arizona Cardinals have announced the Leinart will be shut down for the entire year. “This really sucks, I mean, I was doing so well against other QB’s wives. I mean, I was really in the zone of reading their defenses, and then finding the hole in the zone and getting it in there. And now this. It just breaks my heart.” This will certainly end Matty’s streak of banging the opposing QB’s wife. When reached for comment, the wife of Gus Frerotte took a long drag from her Virginia Slim cigarette, fixed her matted down hair and said, “That’s a shame. That kid can really play ball.”