Pyle of List

Well, we’re a quarter of the way through the NFL season. It’s kind of sad to see this quarter fly by so quickly. I mean, quarters mean nothing to these kids these days. Do you know what a quarter used to get you in my days? Absolutely nothing. I was born in the 80’s and inflation had already taken care of using a single coin to pay for anything. Now come here you whipper-snappers, and let’s take a look at The Top 10 Things That Happened in NFL Week 4!

10. The Four Horsemen - Unfortunately I’m not talking about the kick ass wrestling stable featuring Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, and a myriad of others (including former football player Steve “Mongo” McMichael), I’m talking about the four remaining unbeaten teams. Green Bay won again, powered by Brett Favre’s record setting TD pass, and continue to be the Cinderella story of the NFL this year. I just don’t want to be around when the clock strikes midnight and everyone realizes that they can’t run the ball for crap, and this carriage turns into a pumpkin. Dallas is the other NFC team, and looks to be light years ahead of the rest of the division. Did you see TO race downfield to throw a block for Patrick Crayton? Yeah, what a selfish, diva thing to do. Nobody has beaten the Colts yet, although I just feel like it’s a matter of time. They’ve had some close games, and with their defense being much better than anyone anticipated, they’ve squeaked them out. But injuries are a knockin’, and they won’t take ‘no’ for an answer. And then there are those damn dirty Patriots. Eff those guys.

9. Who’s David? - I guess it’s time to start looking at the rest of the schedule and seeing who is going to take down the Goliath that is New England. There are only three games that stick out to me: at Dallas in week 6, at Indy week 9, and Pittsburgh at home week 14. Why the Pittsburgh game? Because they have a tough, physical match-up in week 13 against Baltimore, and could be on cruise control while going up against a pretty good Steelers squad.

8. Buffalo Bills Arrested - In a surprise move, the FBI burst into the Buffalo Bills locker room after their victory over the Jets, and promptly arrested every single player and coach they could find. David Gantz, a spokesman for the bureau told Pyle of List reporters that the Bills were being taken into custody concerning a string of unsolved kidnappings throughout New York. “Yeah, it’s kinda like the movie, so we thought we’d better bring these guys in,” Gantz said while collecting all lotion bottles from the lockers, “I mean, it’s either the Buffalo Bills, like in the movie, or this guy named “Big Nick” who has a massive knife collection and a bunch of freezers he won’t let us look in.”

7. Upset Sunday - There were a lot of unexpected winners this past week, with some coming as a team’s first win. Atlanta notched it’s first ‘W’ of the season behind a strong performance by Joe-Joe Harrington, and Buffalo rode a rookie QB to their first win over the Jets. Other upsets included the Lions over the Bears, Chiefs over the Chargers (in San Diego no less!), Cleveland over Baltimore, and Arizona beating Pittsburgh giving the Steelers their first loss of the season.

6 . Dolphins Fans Very Relieved - Dolphin Stadium breathed a collective sigh of relief on Sunday, after Daunte Culpepper rushed for his second TD of the day. Culpepper, side-lined with knee injuries last season while playing for Miami, was now starting for the visiting Raiders. But despite his smacking around of the Dolphins defense, the fans were really just concerned about Daunte’s surgically repaired knee. Wallace Henderson, a longtime season ticket holder, mirrors that sentiment: “Yeah, well of course we are worried about the health of that knee. I mean, when he dove for the end zone, I know I had visions of the worst, but when he stood up, pointed to the knee, and then gave the ‘ok’ sign, I knew he was alright”. Wallace’s wife, Nancy, added, “He’s such a good man, to let all of us know he was okay. I mean, to be so in touch with the fans and to take the time during a game to let us know he is okay is really a credit to what a wonderful person he is.”

5. Vince Young Does It Again! - Vince Young gutted out another impressive win this past week. No one had picked the Titans to win their game this week, most likely because they were on bye. But everyone around the country was more than shocked when they saw the final score, Tennessee 7, Opponent 0. Reached via cell phone, Young said “Yeah, well, the more people bet against us, the more fire it gives me to win. No one thought we could win on our bye week, but here we are. It’s just like the Rose Bowl all over again, but I’m telling you, all I know how to do is win!” Young’s final stat line: 10 for 32, 167 Yards, 2 INT, 3 rushes, 17 yards, 1 TD. The bye week could not be reached for comment.

4. Eagles Grounded - Just one week after their offense seemed to come to life, the Eagles again fell flat, losing to the NY Giants 16-3 on Sunday night. Without Brian Westbrook, McNabb and the vaunted passing game could get nothing going, and breakout receiver Kevin Curtis was held to just 21 yards on two catches. After the game, McNabb complained about unfair criticism, and Eagles fans continued to act like a bunch of raging assholes.

3. SF Thaws Out QB - When Alex Smith left Suday’s game with a separated shoulder, Coach Nolan knew that it was time for a drastic measure. The phone call was made and the body of Trent Dilfer was taken out of cryostasis, where it had been sitting since he died in 2004. Reports say that Dilfer was confused upon his thawing, but eager to get his reps in. He also had the unmistakable urge to knit.

2. Silly Old Bear - Well, I guess Brian Griese just wasn’t the answer. The Chicago Bears, complete with new starting QB, couldn’t hold off the Lions who scored the most points in the 4th quarter in NFL history. Bears coach Lovie Smith finally made the move to pull much maligned starter Rex “The Sex Cannon” Grossman for the safter, more reliable Griese. Well, I guess Brian and his three picks weren’t quit the answer. When does the Kyle Orton Experiment begin?

1. Leinart Worried About Streak - Matt Leinart showed the first signs of wear and tear resulting from his streak of banging opposing QB’s wives. “You know, coming off a buy week (Steelers QB Ben Roethlisburger is unwed) is always tough. I mean, you try to bang bar skanks to stay loose, but it’s just the same as game speed” former QB Troy Aikman said on ESPN’s Sportscenter. Also weighing on him is the tenuous nature of his starting position on his own team. Kurt Warner has come in relief of Leinart the past two weeks and performed at a very high level, putting into question Matty’s starting spot. When asked about by Yahoo!Sport’s Mike Silver, Leinert looked despondent and said, “I mean, if Kurt is starting, does that mean I have to bang his wife too? I don’t know if even I could pull that off. I mean, have you seen that bitch?! Yeesh…”.