Pyle of List

Unlike SI’s Peter King, I can recap a week in football without talking about how far society has crumbled since I was a kid, or how good my hazelnut latte at the Topeka, KS Starbucks was. But one thing I do share with Mr. King when I do my recaps, is that I like to make things up. With that said, let’s get to The Top 10 Things That Happened in the NFL Week 3. Enjoy!

10. It’s 4:20 All Week In Green Bay - Well, Brett Favre can add one more item to his resume, right after the ’starred in There’s Something About Mary‘ line: he is now locked in as the co-holder of the all time career TD mark (420, tied with Dan “The Man” Marino). The people of Wisconsin will be “high” on the wonderment that is Farve’s rebirth until they get the “munchie” of him breaking the record next week.

9. John Madden Dies, Is Then Resurrected - Video game pioneer John Madden’s heart stopped beating early Sunday afternoon as long time lover Brett Farve tied the career TD mark. As Madden lay motionless on the floor of his kitchen (he was in fact making turducken wings) Brett magically appeared, and used his super powers to put the breath back into Madden’s lungs. They then totally held hands. Gay!

8. And Then There Were 5 - Five teams remain unbeaten after the dust had settled on Week 3: Indy, New England, Dallas, Pittsburgh, and Green Bay. Nobody is surprised by perenial winners Indy and New England, and Pittsburgh has a Lombardi trophy from just two years ago, but nobody would have predicted the Pack going 3-0 to start the season and they are quickly becoming the Cinderella story for the year.

7. Oakland Raiders Win a Game - Surprisingly, this isn’t some joke about Lane Kiffin getting lucky with a B-12 call late in a game of Battleship. The Raiders won a game. A football game. And in the NFL no less! What has two thumbs and actually saw this coming? This guy!

6. Jon Kitna Cries ‘Foul’ - In a post game press conference, Lions QB Jon Kitna lamented that black quarterbacks get way more praise than obscure, small market white quarterbacks. “I threw for 446 yards today, and all you guys can talk about is McNabb this, and McNabb that. What about me?! Sure, I threw an INT and lost a couple of fumbles, but do you see my 1 yard of rushing? Where’s the talk about my mobility and athleticism?! I work hard to put food on my families table, and a small market team like the Lions can’t pay me like these fancy Philadelphia people. You people are a bunch of racists!” Kitna then stormed out as he was running late to his second job, pressing bumpers at the GM plant.

5. Miami Contemplating New Mascot - Even though the dolphin is one of the smartest mammals on Earth, the boys in Miami are thinking about changing their name. A PR rep was quoted as saying, “How are we supposed to compete with teams like the Panthers or the Lions when we’re just an overgrown fish? Why don’t we just call ourselves the Rainbow Unicorn Happy Times?” When pressed for some of the ideas they are considering for new names, the same rep said, “Well, I don’t want to give away too many secrets, but let’s just say our new mascot will involve a jetpack, Scarlett Johanson, and probably some lazers…”.

4. Injury Bug Strikes - Duece McAllister, Steven Jackson, JP Losman, and Vernon Davis all fell to an injury at some point on Sunday. Those are some major players for their respective teams, and could prove to be death blows to any playoff hopes still being clung onto. Also of note was the amount of swearing spewed out by fantasy owners everywhere.

3. Reggie Tries To Go Back To School - After another disappointing loss by the Saints, RB Reggie Bush was seen filling out paperwork at USC’s registrar office. When confronted about it, Reggie pointed out that college was “awesome” and he wishes he could go back to dominating every game and actually winning. He also pointed out that he made more money “back in the day”. Ledale White, Bush’s old running mate could not be reached for comment (he was eating a hoagie).

2. Guess Who’s Back? Back Again? - Kurt Warner replaced an ineffective Matt Leinart against the Ravens this week, and was lights out in almost leading the Cardinals to a comeback victory.  He finished the day 15-for-20 (that’s 75% people!) for 258 yards and 2 TDs, showing that the two time MVP and former grocery store bag boy still has some gas in the tank. No word on whether or not his wife is still a total b*tch.

1. New Videotape Scandal Rocks NFL - You would think after all the hulaballoo created by the Patiots just weeks prior would scare off anyone from any type of ‘uncalled for surveilance’. You apparently have never met Matt Leinart. A video was leaked on the internet showing Leinart locked in a three-way love making session with the wives of both Steve McNair AND Kyle Boller. Leinart said after the game that he only did it because he wasn’t sure who was going to start, and he knows how important his streak is to the league, his teamates, and his child. This improves Matty Matt Matt to 3-0 this season vs. opposing QB’s wives.