Pyle of List

Through years of cinema magic, men have been falsely conditioned to believe that we always have to say the right thing at the right time. Whether it’s in a romantic situation or after you’ve just killed someone, in our minds the appropriate phrase should just flow naturally from our mouths. It looks so easy in our favorite movies that we assume translating it to real life should be a cinch. We continue to think that way until we’re confronted with the moment of truth, typically in the form of a fight or an opportunity for romance. Then we wind up with some serious egg (or blood) on our face, with a serious case of wounded pride as our quip goes over about as well as dead baby jokes to a group of pregnant women.

I won’t be sharing my tips for conversing with the ladies today, as that could be an entire blog all to itself. And I’ll go ahead and assume that most of us aren’t ridding the world of evil villains in our daily life. Instead I’ll focus on what to say before a fight. Now this is where I could actually be creative and generate some original thought, but why do that when movie quotes generate so much more respect and adulation in the world of masculinity? The answers to the test are out there and ripe to get swiped, you just need to find them. Consider me your navigator as we treverse the murky water of fight-appropriate movie quotes! Since we’re a sports blog, I’ve attempted to pick movies at least loosely related to sports.

So, you’re about to get into a scuffle in your local watering hole or at the gym or in the Quizno’s men’s room. Then some friend of the other guy tries to play peacemaker and give some advice or break it up.  Sure he’s being all logical and grown-up, but you’re all ready to kick some ass. Here are some options.

Bad choice: “If I wanted an older brother, I wouldn’t have killed mine.”- Flat-top, Necessary Roughness

Not only is it completely ridiculous (unless of course you’ve actually killed your older brother or maintain the mysterious persona found only in a high school/college movie from the 80’s or 90’s that makes people believe you could’ve convincingly killed your brother), it also means you’ve watched Necessary Roughness enough to quote it.

Better Choice: (Surprised) “Oh f**k me, your lady friend got a voice.” or “Put a lead on her, Turkish, before she gets bitten. And you don’t wanna get bitten now do ya, sweetheart?”- Brick Top, Snatch

Brick Top is one of the most quotable characters in all of cinema in an extremely quotable movie. He’s like a Mike Myers character written by Quentin Tarantino. These are just his most appropriate two for the situation.

Now it’s almost go time. The tension is palpable and you want the last word but you’re afraid you’re going to bust a White Goodman. Usually, this is where fights fizzle out as everyone involved comes to their senses after a little but of pushing and shoving. Whether you fight or not, these quotes will help you win the crowd over and gain the upper hand.

Bad choice: “I used to f**k guys like you in prison!” - Jimmy, Road House

Where to start? This quote is funny and appropriate in certain situations, but not a fight with a stranger. Maybe lining up across from your friend on the flag football field or embarassing someone trying to hit on a girl, but not the last thing you say before a real fight.

Better choice: (directed at the girlfriend) “Hey woman. Hey, woman! Listen here. Since your old man ain’t got no heart, maybe you’d like to see a real man.” Clubber Lang, Rocky III

Obviously this only works if the guy is with a girl. But, it’s an absolute gem in the right situation. The other guy either has to fight you or he becomes the King of the Cowards. Advantage: you. Plus, you can bust out the extended version and riff on it a little bit if you so desire and verbally berate them if they walk away.

Bad choice: “Wanna go, pretty boy.” Racki, Youngblood

Did you say you like that one? Sorry, I can’t hear you. My repressed homosexuality alarm is blaring.

In between: “Go home and get your f**king shinebox.” Billy Batts, Goodfellas

This is like swinging for the fences. You connect, 500 foot home run. You miss, you end up flat on your face. It would take a certain type of person to pull this one off, so I can’t decide if it’s a bad choice or a good one. You gotta read the crowd before you use it.

Better choice: “I kill a communist for fun, but for a green card, I carve him up real nice.” Tony Montana, Scarface  

This one only works if you actually pull out a knife, which escalates the situation and certainly isn’t a wise decision. But you must admit, actually being able to use this quote would be awesome.

Please add your choices and any good stories you have in the comments.

Disclaimer: Pyle of List does not condone fighting in any way. In fact, we’re pacifists for the most part much like Walter Sobchak. Unless, of course, it’s time not to be nice. This advice may not work, so take it with a grain of salt. Not to mention JP hasn’t been in a fight since 1st grade.