Pyle of List

These are the heayweights (no, not the hilarious movie), the big boys (no, not the unhilarious morning radio host), and the cream of the crop (or better yet, the terminators…). Sit back, relax, and try to to catch a big boot to the face.

1. USC: Hulk Hogan

Here is the direct comparison: ask someone from the year 1990, who doesn’t follow pro wrestling, who the best is and they all would say Hogan. Ask someone (like myself) who knows nothing about college football today who the best team is, and we will all say ‘SC. Everytime you think USC is going to get beaten, they start wagging that finger at you and you know what comes next: big boot, leg drop, and the 1-2-3. The Trojans may not say their prayers or take their vitamins, but they do have the most talent top to bottom of any school. Plus, if a guy named Booty can survive in football locker rooms this long, then nothing can shake him.

2. West Virginia: The Ultimate Warrior

West Virginia is an offensive juggernaut. An unstoppable force to be feared. So was the Warrior. Flying shoulder tackles and gorilla presses for everyone! The Warrior was built to be the next big thing. Marketable and hungry, the Warrior took the WWF by storm, arm tassles be damned. Unfortunately for WV, their counterpart ended up going a bit crazy, legally changing his name to Warrior, and then giving the craziest interviews ever. Hopefully their season turns out better than The Ultimate One’s.

3. Florida: Macho Man Randy Savage

The Macho Man was not your typical champion, and neither is Florida. Smaller than most other bruisers, Macho Madness had to rely on speed, and a bit of craziness. Florida can run circles around most other teams, and it really wouldn’t shock me to see one of them drop a flying elbow off the goal posts one day. Can you dig it? Last year many people couldn’t dig the Gators and didn’t give them much of a chance of beating Ohio State. But now that they’ve won the championship, everyone has got to respect them. Snap into a Slim Jim, ooooooh yeeeeeah!

4. LSU: The Iron Sheik

Much like the Sheik back in the day, LSU’s whole schtick seems to be “where we’re from is better than where you’re from”. I mean, they lost they QB and their top WR and yet they say they’re better? Well excuse me for not believing. And their whole argument is about the strength of their conference and I don’t buy it any more than The Iron Sheik trying to tell Hulk Hogan that Iraq is better than America. And damn that turncoat Sgt. Slaughter for aligning himself with the Sheik. And guess what, the Iron Sheik still thinks he can beat anybody, just like LSU.

5. Texas: Sid Vicious

I made this pick based on the fact that Colt McCoy may have the perfect quarterback name of all time, much like Sid Vicious had one of the greatest wrestler names of all time (mad ups to Sid Justice and Psycho Sid while we’re at it). Sid was a giant. A beast! But he was never the same after Arn Anderson stabbed him with a pair of scissors in a hotel room. I’m not saying that Colt is fragile or anything, but let’s just say that if I were him, I wouldn’t go around trying any big boots off the second rope…

Part I

Part III