Pyle of List

Childhood obesity is at war with our kids and it’s a battle we are losing. For the first time in history kids will die younger than their parents. Schools, families, and even governments have done virtually nothing to fight this crippling disease. Shaquille O’Neal has decided to fight back.

“To be, or not to be…fat! That is what the program is about.”

Shaq’s Fat Camp is now in its fifth month. There’s only one month left until Shaq and his health crusaders are set to meet with the governor of Florida, Charlie Crist. As Doc informs us of this fact, we are reminded that the schools are serving cheese burgers, corn dogs, and french fries for lunch every day. Shaq’s three requests for the governor will be to 1) mandate physical education in every school, 2) start serving healthy lunches at school instead of fast food, and 3) educate parents about the importance of their children’s health. It’s coming down to the wire and Shaq says, “Put it into overdrive!”

Chris the Cuban’s parents wake him up every morning at 6am to make sure he does 30 minutes on the stair-stepper. Every day his mom or his dad supervise him to make sure he’s actually doing the work. His mom yells, “Don’t do that!” “Stop leaning!!” and some sort of chirping noise that was unintelligible…one of those sounds moms make that don’t have dictionary meaning but are a very real and very serious threat. T tells us that Chris needs constant reinforcement, but he is fortunate because his parents are invested in the program.

Chris tells us that if it weren’t for his mom, he wouldn’t have done any of it. “I would have eaten whatever I wanted, when I wanted if she wasn’t there to push me.” Ariel says that her mom is her inspiration because she lost over 150 pounds. Walter says, “A couple of my other motivations are I don’t want an angry Mr. Tyler on my butt.” Kevin tell us, “Shaq…gives me hugs. Mr Tyler? Don’t even think about it.”

Even though the kids are doing work outs and eating special diets, Shaq decided to buy each of them a stair-stepper for their homes. When Kit sees it she is pretty blasé about the situation and says, “Maybe I’ll probably use it on…Sundays.” Sounds like she could use a visit from Mrs. Cuban.

Mr. T figures that since they have stair-steppers at home, they should be pretty good at running stairs. He takes them to some sort of stair tower. They start out pretty quick, but by the time they get to the top they’re putting their hands on their knees as they ascend each step. Then he’s got them jogging down some raised boardwalks as he chases them. The kids were describing him as a “huge beast” and a “giant dinosaur coming at you.” A progress report from T: “Hell no! My job’s not done!”

Shaq is going with Coach Dale and Doc to meet with the school principal again. The principal tells us that the 20 minute workout program was an experiment (doesn’t sound good). She says that students and faculty embraced it, but they cannot take 20 minutes out of academics every day for a daily workout. Shaq says that it’s “never good when you meet with the principal.”

Chef Tyler is going to be meeting with the director of the lunch programs Admiral Lunch for the whole school district. This guy has some mind numbing statistics to lay out. There are 265 schools in the district. They serve 140,000 lunches EVERY SINGLE DAY. Money is what drives the program. They average spending one dollar per plate. ONE FREAKING DOLLAR! Who says the dollar is dropping in value? Admiral Lunch tries to rationalize the fast food focus of the meals by telling us that these kids are raised by “fast food parents” and that they try to buy the best fast food ingredients they can. For one dollar per meal, I don’t think they could afford mechanically separated cat meat.

With three weeks left the kids pay a visit to the doctor at Miami Children’s Hospital so that he can track their progress. Chris’ BMI indicates that he’s nearly out of the morbidly obese category and just obese, which is still quite an accomplishment at this point. Ariel has dropped her BMI from 36.8 down to 31. If she can get under 30, she will no longer be in the obese category. Kevin is down to 23.9% body fat, which puts him down in the overweight zone. James’ BMI is down from 35 to 32, but his goal should be under 25. The doctor says, “I’m not happy with Kit. She has too many excuses.” Her BMI is down from 43 to 40, which is still well in the morbid range. When asked about how often she uses her personal stair-stepper she says, “Once in a while…when I have lots of energy.”

Walter shows up for his doctor’s appointment but his parents aren’t with him. It turns out that his mom is pretty sick and can’t get out of bed anymore. His dad stayed back home to look after mom. She’d developing a cough. She’s sore and tired all the time. When asked if he’s worried, Walter responds in a meek voice, “Little bit…yeah.” It’s also posing him problems because she is the one that would take him and Kit to workouts every day. The doctor’s encouraging Walter though, and tells him that if he continues to lose the weight and transform himself into a healthy young man it will help his mom with her health too. The doctor is offering to help Walter get to the workouts and lend support when his parents aren’t going to be able to. This guy just got a nomination for the Heart of Gold award. After the heart to heart, the doctor tells Walter that he’s down to 32% body fat, which is 8% lower than where he started at. Walter is looking good. If you look at his face in the first episode and look at it now, he is substantially slimmer. He’s lost 30 pounds. Walter says, “Without this program I’d probably be over 300 pounds…maybe 320 pounds. In five years, I might be dead…Shaq saved my life.”

At the next workout Walter asks Shaq a favor. He wants to know if he can bring a friend who “really needs it” to workout with them. Of course, Shaq says it’s okay. Apparently, when Walter had told his friend a while back that he’d lost 25 pounds his friend told Walter that he’d gained 25 pounds. Each of the kids brings a friend with them to the next workout and T is excited, “Fresh meat…” The new kids are impressed with how hard the original six have been working. At the end of the day Ariel says that T didn’t show his true colors. He says, “Of course not. You didn’t want me to scare your friends away didja?” On second day of the after school program, there are about 20 kids. Friends are telling friends and it’s getting bigger. On the third day there’s probably about 40 kids coming to the after school workout. One of the kids says that he’s a little scared and Walter responds, “Dude, I come here every day scared.” Walter and the rest of the originals are helping lead most of the workouts. They’re encouraging the newbies during the run and keeping a positive atmosphere out there. Mr. T, in the worst cockney accent this side of a Marry Poppins remake, says, “By George, I think they’ve bloody got it.”

After Shaq’s 20 minute workout was nixed due to a law that says class time must be used for formal study, he received a surprise call from the school principal to have a meeting. Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to the “Shaquille O’Neal Wellness Wheel.” The program is an 18-week integrated curriculum course that incorporates physical fitness, home economics, and teen health. This kind of came out of left field and it’s got the Big Fella all fired up.

Chef Tyler is back for another shot at the school kitchen. The kitchen manager tells us that he prepped 10 hours for this latest meal and “in no life is that feasible for one entrée.” It’s going to be pasta primavera with chicken, caeser salad, and steamed broccoli. Admiral Lunch stops by to watch how the kids react to the meals. He’s very skeptical about the broccoli, and for good reason. It mostly ends up in the trash can. The pasta primavera ended up being $1.50 per plate, which doesn’t sound like much more until you realize that it’s a 50% increase over the normal costs. Though Chef counters with the salient point that if you have the buying power of an entire school district you can get the ingredients in bulk at a lower cost. Touché salesman, touché.

Doc is overseeing the first day of the Wellness Wheel classes. In home econ they make omelets, in teen health the teacher has some “factoids” for the kids about saturated fat, and in PE the students learn that they’re pretty much the most out of shape kids ever. Meanwhile, Chef is not giving up in the kitchen. This time he’s going to be supervising only though. He cannot help them prepare the meals. Today, they’ll be making turkey meatloaf and teriyaki chicken. HAHAHAHA…he just told Irene Smokesalot that he learned the technique their using today for the meatloaf in Tuscany. I think she just cursed his unborn children under her breath. Admiral Lunch is trying to push the chicken nuggets on the kids, but they want the meatloaf!

It’s week three of the after school program for friends of the original kids and, as my girlfriend and I watch, we are pretty skeptical about how many of these kids aren’t just here to meet the Most Dominant Ever. Shaq realizes that he basically has a real after school program going at this point and says that it’s something the YMCAs and the Boys and Girls Clubs should be doing. One mother tells us that the reason overweight kids don’t try in PE is because they’re ashamed and embarrassed, but if they have a program they can go to where all the other kids are “shaped like them” it creates a happier environment in which to work out. (It’s a good point, I never thought of it from that angle before.) Meanwhile, Shaq is carrying on conversations with people while he talks through a bullhorn. You gotta love that guy.

There’s a new James who is attending the after school program. Shaq had met him at the original school visit and he was genuinely a sad, depressed individual. He even confided that when he was younger, he contemplated killing himself because he was so heavy. But he’s all smiles today. James’ mom, who is overweight and in a wheelchair on oxygen, is here today too. I think the producers took this scene right out of Extreme Makeover Home Edition or something. She says with this after school program is exactly what her son needs so that he doesn’t end up like her.

At the latest weigh in Walter had lost 5 more pounds, for 35 total pounds. Chris has lost 40 total pounds. Now he’s negotiating with his dad because he was promised a Yankees jersey after 40 pounds. Hmm, I don’t know if I like Chris as much now (Yankees suck!). Chris’ dad: “I said it was 45 to 50 pounds.”

Today is the “President’s Challenge”. Kevin explains it to us as, “this thing that the presidents have to go through, I guess. How many push-ups, sit-ups they can do in a minute. And you know…they gotta run a mile.” Final answer Kevin? Ariel does 8 push-ups after not doing a single one during the first test. Walter goes from 0 to 11 push-ups. Chris blows em all away with 19 after 0 during his first test. James beats him with 20 after just doing a single push-up the first time out. Kit and Kevin’s push-ups weren’t shown…curious. The sit-ups don’t turn out so well though. Chris did 7, Kit did 7, and we don’t know how everyone else did. Just about everyone improves their mile time. Kevin’s dad is beaming. Walter: “I just did good. Don’t question the good.” James…well, he gained a minute on his run since the last time. He said it was because of his cramps.

Shaq calls an emergency meeting with his experts because they need to determine the direction of the program. They don’t think the numbers are going to be good enough to take to the governor after six months. They decide to extend the program by four months. Now they just have to convince the kids and their parents, which I don’t think will be too hard. If it were, this show would really have a lame ending. Right on queue, the kids all give their support for the extra time. Walter tells Shaq and his experts, “I don’t want this program to end.” They’re all excited to keep going. Chris the Cuban says that if he could he’d pay Shaq for the way he’s changed his life. “If I was loaded like him, I’d pay him a million dollars.” After some motivating words from Coach Dale and a video montage of smiles we get a peak at next week’s episode: a marching band with a crowd chanting “Shaq’s Big Challenge!!!”; someone loses 77 pounds; and Shaq leads a “Make us healthy!” chant in front of the governor.

As the credits roll we learn a little bit more about Walter and the DDR game he’s been playing during workouts. Shaq and T thought it would help his coordination. After T gives Walter detailed instructions on the DDR, Walter takes off his headphones and says “Huh?” like only Walter can do. See you next week for the season finale! (I promise I’ll post it promptly.)