Pyle of List

Because the Monday Melee or the Saturday Scuffle just won’t suffice. Brought to you this week by John Madden! Do you miss him as much as I do?

People like sports. People like watching others fight. People like to use their imagination, especially when it’s about sports or fighting. So I bring to you, the Friday Fracas, a list of athletes and sports-related figures that should throw down, pier six brawl style.

Undercard 1:

Jeanie Buss vs Jim Buss

This rift has been the biggest story in LA today. Check out the site for AM 570, a sports talk station for actual interviews with the Buss family and enough discussion to make your eyes bleed Laker purple and gold. Summary: The Buss family (owners and operators of the Lakers) have exchanged words on the topic of Phil Jackson. Oh yeah, one of them (guess who?) is dating Phil, making it more complicated.

Winner: Jeanie Buss by 10th round TKO with the fact that Dad likes her best.

Undercard 2:

Brett Favre vs Irrelevancy

I’m gonna put it to you real simple, Brett. You only matter because middle-age women want you and middle-age men want to be you. That and you cannot stop running your mouth and creating controversy. The media would burn effigies of TO if he acted like you are right now. You’re turning into a Bruce Springsteen song, just give it up.

Winner: Brett Favre, with the same sleeperhold he has on anyone that will pay attention. I was pulling for irrelevancy.

The Main Event:

Robert Horry vs Amare Stoudamire (Lumberjack match)

Who doesn’t want to see this? Physically, a pretty even matchup. Amare has a significant advantage with his youth but Horry counters that with his wily veteran-ness. Equally intriguing is the fact that the ring will be surrounded with Spurs and Suns players (for those unfamiliar with 80’s pro wrestling, that’s a Lumberjack match), which will undoubtedly get a little chippy. Ultimately, Horry the cagey veteran will come out on top like the Spurs will for the series.

Winner: Robert Horry, after decking Amare with a foreign object pulled from Bruce “Blackjack” Bowen’s trunks.